Babloo #05 - Driving Ms.Desi

"Explain the route to me"

"Which right should I turn to?"

"You are mean!"

"Do not patronize me!"

"Do not keep talking while I am driving!"

"Should I stop? Should I stop? Should I... aaaaaaah"

Variations of these ego crushing shouts can be heard all across the bay area when the newly arrived Ms.Desi starts practicing the four wheel drive with automatic transmission. The Desi Student Driver (F) is the meanest cat since Ma Baker.

The consensus and hence the advice is that - do not involve yourself in this learning process. If you want your self-esteem in tact, hire a nice Asian(!) guy to do the task instead. $60 an hour. Money well spent.

Experiments that have failed include

1. Teaching her to drive through an out-of-body experience by detaching yourself from the fact that she is your loved one - (Problem: the soul stays out never to return)

2. Getting your best friend to do the driving instructor part - prepare for a life without friends.

3. Seeking the help of another experienced non-professional-instructor Ms.Desi to do the instructor part - all roads lead to the mall

4. Get a professional Desi lady instructor - I can guarantee you one class. I have no idea what goes on in that hour but there is never a second class. On the contrary, Southie Desi guys land up with Punjabi lady instructors as their driving guide all the time in the bay area. Maybe they realize Ranjeeth Singh or Manpreeth Singh is a lady only during the first class (or in some cases third or fourth class). Or some weird dominatrix craving, I presume.

Now, why an Asian guy, you might ask. I am Asian too but not Asian Asian as my boss tells me. Asian Asian refers to people from the far east not the south east of Asia. That's the stretch covering China, Japan and possibly all of the Polynesian cultures. So, why an Asian Asian guy, you ask? Those guys are all Shaolin masters - that's why. They are the rock to Ms.Desi's scissors, the paper to her rock and the scissors to her paper. Their mastery of super consciousness makes them impervious to the psychopathic tendencies of the Ms. Student Driver Desi. So, when Ms.Desi is going at 29 mph in the fast lane of the 65 mph minimum freeway they will persist with a nasal 'give gas' until the needle moves up to the fast lanes of 50 mph. They won't flinch when Ms.Desi hits the brakes like a sledge hammer when the green light turns yellow 500 feet ahead. They merely wave their hand to the people showing sign language one middle finger at a time. They are the Zen in patience. You are not Asian Asian. You are the idiot who doesn't have the skill to teach her driving. One wise crack says that the Asian masters are busy with the Ms.Desi's schooling that there is no one to teach their women how to drive. The silent ninjas will come get you for that comment.

All said and done, more female student drivers seem to get the license in the first attempt than the ones from the meeker sex. With that comes the right to criticize your driving.

And of course, the title is a misnomer. It should be more like Teaching driving to Ms.Desi but that has very little resemblance to the Morgan Freeman movie title.

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